Let's face it. We live in a world today where, despite the recent economic recession, our mantra is "If a little is good, then more is better!" In our society, we're really good at performing the addition and multiplication involved in that equation, without a great deal of regard for naysayers who, these days, recommend a little subtraction. And all this "math talk" leaves me wondering, is it possible to calculate the sum total of a life?
This was a question that hit me squarely, when I recently attended my friend and former colleague, Mike's, funeral. At the corporation where I'd previously worked for just shy of 25 years, Mike was a successful advertising executive. His untimely death at the young age of 57 was a shock to everyone in his wide circle of influence. Yet, strangely, I believe I was possibly more stunned when I entered the chapel for his funeral. There in the front of the massive marble, stone and wood structure, on a tiny table, sat an even smaller urn. Juxtapositioned to Mike's very large life, it stopped me in my tracks. That's it? I wondered . . . a man who lived as full a life as Mike - NCAA championship swimmer, Division 1 university football cheerleader, graduate of the most prestigious journalism school in the country, creater of award-winning ad campaigns for an international Fortune 500 corporation, on a first-name basis with leaders of the largest advertising firms on Madison Avenue - and this is the sum total of all that . . . a little pile of ashes in an urn smaller than a half gallon of milk?!
I suppose, as a Leadership Coach, I'm naturally haunted by such questions anyway. When our time is over, no matter how short or long it may be, how can we calculate the sum total of our life? What are the factors in such an equation? Can it be as simple as A+B=C? If so, what are A and B? And, if we figure out a cipher for calculating success after the fact, could we then use that insight to predict success? Could we calculate the probability of success, based on current actions and circumstances? Could we even use this insight to change the course of a life to ensure the best possible outcome?
These are the topics and questions I'm going to be blogging about in the coming weeks. I sincerely hope you'll join in this discussion. I really need to know what you think and hear what you have to say on this subject, so that I can be the best coach I can be. Your insights will be multiplied into help for so many others!
Please comment, follow this discussion, and check back in a few days to read my new posts. Thanks!
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Rhonda,
ReplyDeleteNot so sure about Maths here but Accounts does draw some similarity. For every deposit of good work, good relatioship, good life , good health there are withdrawls of bad work, bad relationship, bad health and bad life. The balancing sum is your life's sentence, either negative or positive, debit or credit.
Interesting angle! Thanks for taking the time to respond. I was always better at math than accounting, hence my math focus, I suppose. My curiousity about a mathematical equation was aroused by the beginning of Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink." He described the work of University of Washington psychologist John Gottman. Since the 1980s, Gottman has brought more than 3000 married couples into his "love lab" for his research through which he has developed a coding system with 20 separate categories corresponding to every conceivable emotion that married couples might espress during a conversation. Through observation and coding of a couple's 60 minute interaction, plus data received by attached electrodes and sensors (i.e., heart pounding, temp rising, etc.) Gottman can predict within 95% accuracy whether that couple will still be married fifteen years later! If he watches a couple only 15 minutes, his success rate is still around 90%. I have to wonder if I, as a Leadership Coach and Workplace Learning & Performance professional, might also be able to make similar observations about leadership and performance and then use that to increase my ability to help my clients achieve success. And, if so, what would I need to observe? I'm intrigued by this subject. Everyone, please share your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThere's a great discussion of this blog taking place in the ASTD National group on Linked In. I'm pasting some of the comments here for non-group members to enjoy!
ReplyDeleteEyal Yurconi, PMP
Training, performance & Leaderhip specialist
Hi Rhonda,
I think its tempting to reduce a human beings life to an equation, but I don't think it is possible without knowing the following:
1) A very very clear and precise definition of success, which is acceptable bythe person being measured
2) The values, goals, beliefs ambitions and aspirations of the individual (his entire psychological makeup)
3) The context and environment in which he was born into, including family and social expectations
4) His physical and mental abilities
5) His material achievements
6) The people he influenced and in what particular way
This is just a partial list. Each point is a field of study on its own therefore I find it highly unlikely that we will be able to collect such information about anybody, including ourselves. The proposed question therefore is a touch simplistic.
For the best perspectives of a life well lived we can turn to philosophy, particularly ancient Greek, Roman (Marcus Aurelius, Cicero) and examine some contemporary literature by people such as Sruly Blotnick, Stephen Covey, Norman Cousins, George Sheehan and Paul Kurtz.
Best of luck,
Eyal Yurconi, PMP
Robyn Schindel
MEd, Learning Evangelist (Senior Manager, Shui On Academy, Shanghai)
Rhonda:
Sorry to hear about your colleague. I hope your reflection time helps you to deal with your loss.
For me A = A clear vision of what you want to acheive (be it personal or professional) and B = persistence in the face of adversity or distractions
A+B = success
Karen Wilms
ReplyDeleteat Shelter Insurance Companies
Covey's 7 Habits sum it up for me in the 80th Birthday video. What would you like to have colleagues, family, and friends say about you on that day? Live your life every day to make it come true. Success is personal to each individual. Mike was an important person in your life, and you miss him. That's success in my book.
Rhonda Jones Sparks replied:
Very thought provoking feedback from you all, Eyal, Robyn, and Karen. Thanks for taking the time. My curiousity about a mathematical equation was aroused by the beginning of Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink." He described the work of University of Washington psychologist John Gottman. Since the 1980s, Gottman has brought more than 3000 married couples into his "love lab" for his research through which he has developed a coding system with 20 separate categories corresponding to every conceivable emotion that married couples might express during a conversation. Through observation and coding of a couple's 60 minute interaction, plus data received by attached electrodes and sensors (i.e., heart pounding, temp rising, etc.) Gottman can predict within 95% accuracy whether that couple will still be married fifteen years later! If he watches a couple only 15 minutes, his success rate is still around 90%. I have to wonder if I, as a Leadership Coach and Workplace Learning & Performance professional, might also be able to make similar observations about leadership and performance and then use that to increase my ability to help my clients achieve success. And, if so, what would I need to observe? I'm intrigued by this subject. Please share your thoughts.
On 11/03/09 7:14 AM, Vincent Hogan wrote:
Just a short note, thinking about my career and those I've assisted in my stints as hr training and development manager/cultural change agent, etc.
We generally know what it takes to develop your career once you have the right educational experience in terms of developmental assignments.
No one really seemed to move (GM, Chrysler, Bank of America, American Express) unless they had a mentor to push them and show them the ropes, secret handshakes, etc. of a particular company culture.
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On 11/03/09, Rhonda replied:
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Great point, Vincent! Thanks for adding the element of "mentoring" to this discussion. You're so right. Without those who challenge us, would we every realize that we're capable of more?
Dan Elder
ReplyDeleteBusiness growth strategist & coach, consultant, columnist, author- the Business Growth Accelerators series on Amazon.com
Interesting thread! And I love the susinctness(sp?) of Paul's definition.
I write a regular business column for a magazine of the Savannah Morning News. My planned topic starting the first of the year is how to save your declining business.
I write based on quality reading and personal experience in my consulting practice and, following Eyal's remarks, in my experience the greatest determiner on whether a business will survive is whether the owner actually wants it to. And as in Eyal's comments, believe it or not, many times they actually don't.
If you can build rapport with an experienced marriage counselor (or hear one speak candidly about their experiences), you'll find that many couples go to a marriage counselor as a last resort; not to get help and implement what they've learned, but just to be able to say that they tried everything before proceeding further down the road to separation and their separate destinations.
The reasons for business failure are many (and I'm not a shrink), but the first thing I've learned to do is probe for the level of the owner's commitment to saving his/her business. Many want to retain me just to say they tried everything before closing their doors and I've learned to screen these prospects out.
Once it's established they really do have the desire to rescue their perishing livelihood, then the discussion can proceed to the need to change their treasured ways of doing things and other corrective actions.
Interesting that this thread would arise just as I am writing my next column series.
Best,
Dan
Rhonda Jones Sparks replied:
You're right, Dan, it's turning into a very interesting discussion, and Eyal is contributing some very thought provoking material. I posted this same question elsewhere, and I'm finding it very interesting the many different perspectives from which people are interpreting the question. As they come in, I'll paste to this thread comments I'm receiving from other sources for those who are interested in following...
Anonymous wrote......
Not so sure about Maths here but Accounts does draw some similarity. For every deposit of good work, good relationship, good life , good health there are withdrawals of bad work, bad relationship, bad health and bad life. The balancing sum is your life's sentence, either negative or positive, debit or credit.
Gary Bubar
Training and Safety Professional
Rhonda-sorry about your loss. Success is difficult to measure, for the definition of success is quite personal. Success does, however, provide an opposite of failure. But then, that too is a personal definition. One person's success is another's failure....
Eyal Yurconi, PMP
ReplyDeleteTraining, performance & Leaderhip specialist
Hi,
I'm referring to your John Gottman post as I have had the chance to review his work and hear a few interviews by him. I think that we first need to make a change in vocabulary, and instead of seeking "factors" or "ingredients" we should be looking at patterns or trends. Couples don't divorce in a day, and companies don't collapse in a day. Most results people and companies obtain are the consequences of patterns that either work well in or with other patterns or they cause friction (which can lead to decay and collapse). System theory is an excellent perspective in this regard.
But I'll focus on motivation, since motivation, or drive, is probably one of the most important attributes in achieving a set goal, therefore it is critical to be able to assess it in others properly.
When dealing with clients, either in business, sports, or academia, I think it is very important to be able to assess the level of motivation (commitment to sacrifice) one brings to the table since, in many cases, people tend to give up or let go once the price they need to pay (emotionally, socially, monetary etc.) overcomes the expected reward.
I recently saw a fantastic Navy seals documentary were a volunteer class of 86 students was trimmed down to 16 within 4 weeks during BUD (basic underwater demolition). In a sense, although all 86 students "wanted" to be seals, they wanted it to different degrees (drop rate for medical reasons was about 15%- 85% quite on their own accord). That was exactly the purpose of the training, to figure out who were the most motivated, i.e. those that were willing to sacrifice the most (in some cases, those who had the least the lose). Motivation, therefore, is not an on or off switch but more of a scale, let's say 0-100.
I find that in many cases in my work, the end result of a person attaining a task greatly depends on the price he is willing/unwilling to pay. On of the problems most people encounter is that they haven't assessed properly, in advance, what the true cost of the program/commitment would be (be it marriage or the Navy Seals) and once its time to pay, they pull back.
In conclusion, I'd have to say, that being able to assess a client's level of commitment is one of the essential ingredients for success. How can it be done?
1. A clear communication of costs/sacrifices
2. A commitment contract
3. Monetary pay (usually indicates some level of commitment)
4. Testing for commitment
And even those don't always work...
Dr. Paul G. Schempp
Expert on Developing Expertise, Performance Matters Inc., Professor, University of Georgia
Success is the feeling of satisfaction that comes from knowing we gave our best efforts to something for which we care greatly.
Robyn Schindel
ReplyDeleteMEd, Learning Evangelist (Senior Manager, Shui On Academy, Shanghai)
Rhonda: If you like Gottman, you should watch Fox's "Lie to Me" for the TV version. Not sure how scientific it is, but shows some of the same ideas applied in a much more dramatic way.
For me the stimulating question that I get from Blink is, what expertise I am developing over my 10000 hours of practice (if I remember correctly that's what it takes to be an expert?) And will I be able to articulate my expertise, or be like the art expert who knows a painting is a fake but doesn't know why?
I think that's a major differentiator for expertise in talent/learning particularly when it comes to leadership - the requirement for success to be able to articulate our expertise to non-professionals. The the ability to state complicated or technical things in relatable terms is an important success factor at the highest levels in any profession. However, I think for us it is more of a basic requirement.
Dr Richard Norris
Head of Global Development, Funtrepreneur, Business & Executive Coach, Trainer, Author and Speaker
Good Day Rhonda!
Good searching question. It reminds me of a couple of formulae for success I have used effectively (Be x Do = Have and Ability x Effort x Attitude = Results).
Such a question gave rise to my book that is about to be published regarding those attirbute that when present strong enough and in combination stack the odds in favor of success whether at an individual, team or organizational level.
Intention and what we tell ourselves has a lot to do with it.
I am also reminded that "in whatever state we are we must learn to be content". (Bible refrence escapes me).
Be Awesome!
Richard
Posted by Anne Scott
ReplyDeleteGroup: Smoky Mountain ASTD
What a thought-provoking idea! I think so much of success depends on an individual perspective of what is valuable in life. Some place a higher value on certain things (parenting, volunteer work, etc.) and would say their success is measured in how successful their children are, the quality of their friendships, the contributions they make to society, etc. Others would place a higher value on career things (job status, financial wealth, etc.) and would say their success is measured in how well their company performed, their personal wealth, etc. So while success may be as simple as A+B = C, I think A and B will be different for each person depending on what they personally value.
Have you ever participated in one of those exercises where you have to envision your obituary and what you would want to see in it? I tend to picture success that way - success is achieving your personal goals and contributing where you see the most value.
Dan Elder
Business growth strategist & coach, consultant, columnist, author- the Business Growth Accelerators series on Amazon.com
Concern for one's legacy is important and tends to increase in importance as we age. I occasionally wonder what epitaph summing up my life that I would like on my grave marker; keeping that in mind helps me make life's choices with more wisdom.
Proverbs 22:1 says, "A good name is to be desired more than great riches..."
Also, the Nobel prizes were created after a French newspaper published in 1888 a premature obituary of Alfred Nobel, the inventor of dynamite, entitled "The Merchant of Death is Dead". Nobel read that account, decided he wanted a better legacy, and in his subsequent will donated his fortune to create the Nobel prizes.
I think you're on the right track. Now, what will you do with the results of your new self-examination?
Best, :-)
Dan
Bryon Ownby
Experienced in Leadership Development, Process Management, and Strategic Thinking
Rhonda, when I read this, I keep drawing back to Jim Smith's topic from ASTD ALC of interest to commitment that we attended. Where in the mathematical formula and his talk could be applied in the following way:
A (Interest) + B (Commitment) = C (Success)
Simple, but yet profound of how to define our interests and also how to define what type of commitment will be required to make success happen. So sorry to hear about your friend's passing, but from reading the discussion thread above, he obviously knew his interests, knew what type and level of commitment was require that when all is said and done, left a life that many would say was "successful" or fulfilled. A great example for all of us to follow that's for sure!
Troy A. Peterson
CEO Nibi Software www.nibipedia.com
We must recognize the following at all times.
A-Success is a process not a destination
B-There is no silver bullet, only silver buckshot (keep learning)
C-Service to others is the best guarantee of personal success
These sound trite, but I think they're clichés for a reason.
Rhonda Jones Sparks replied:
ReplyDeleteI first want to thank you all so very much for participating in this discussion. You are helping me, not only professionally but also personally, more than you will ever know. I thank you for taking the time to do that.
I want to react to so much of what's been said in this thread without sounding scattered. For now, I'm going to try to do that by zeroing in on one particular point and see how it might enhance or change this discussion. So I think I'm going to use Gary's comment to do that..."...the definition of success is quite personal...One person's success is another's failure."
Allow me to respond to that by telling you a bit more about my friend, Mike. His funeral was the most-attended I've ever personally witnessed. I think it would possibly have won the award in our corner of the world for "Eulogizer who traveled the farthest," since his most recent boss had traveled overnight from Europe to sing his praises. And that wasn't even the highlight. After a very personal, warm and entertaining eulogy by the head of one of NY's largest ad agencies, we were amazed and honored to hear from by far the most successful NCAA Div 1 coach in the country. (I'm trying to preserve a little privacy here, but if I mentioned her name, you would certainly know who she is!)
Now comes the "true confession." For some time I've wondered what my eulogy will be like. I certainly don't think I've won the favor of such distinguished people, at least not so much that they'd inconvenience themselves to eulogize me. Does that mean I haven't succeeded?
It reminds me of a poem (often inaccurately attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson):
SUCCESS...
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.
Most everyone who has commented in this discussion has mentioned the importance of "results"...the "what"...the "outcome." But maybe this poem is also reminding us of the importance of the "how." And I have to think those people eulogized Mike mostly because of "how" he achieved the "what."
So, what do you think? What is the true measure of success?
Angela Miele
ReplyDeleteTraining Consultant at Avanade
Rhonda, I'm so sorry to hear about your colleague. Thank you for starting this very important topic. It is a truly fascinating one to me. I believe you and many on this thread would enjoy Malcolm Gladwell's new book titled "Outliers" for some new and in depth ways of looking at success.
POSTED FROM ASTD NATIONAL GROUP ON LINKED IN....
ReplyDeleteDr Richard Norris
Head of Global Development, Funtrepreneur, Business & Executive Coach, Trainer, Author and Speaker
It is also worth pointing out that success is what others perceive from the outside looking in. On a personal level it is more relevant orefer to a sense of achievement and that means different things to ifferent people in different contexts.
Be Awesome!
Richard
Rhonda Jones Sparks posted...
Hello all,
I'm sharing another message I received directly from Vincent yesterday:
On 11/03/09 9:53 PM, Vincent Hogan wrote:
--------------------
Hi Rhonda,
I had a larger discussion today with some of the gang -
The mentoring issue became a focal point for getting ahead, especially for women and minorities. The status quo, older white males, seem to need to develop a certain comfort level with particular candidates for promotion before they will lend their support. Without the "proper" sponsorship for your case, you're dead in the water. The summary was that you need a well-placed mentor, preferably more than one, excellent academic credentials and a never take "no" for an answer attitude, become friendly to all and be receptive to suggestions/criticism.
Rhonda Jones Sparks:
I very much appreciate Vincent's perspective as well as his introduction of the factors of not only mentoring but also the impact of glass and concrete ceilings, stereotypes, perceptions, and the importance of receiving endorsement from a trusted professional.
It should cause all of us to realize how important it is for us, once we've succeeded in our own right (the definition of which we can hopefully achieve at the conclusion of this discussion!) to then reach back and down and lift someone else up! If we're honest, we know we didn't get where we are by ourselves. Great messages for us all to take to heart!
Can any of you think of someone who was instrumental in giving you that kind of support when you were starting out? What did they do for you? Please share that here......
Hi Rhonda,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about the loss of your friend and co-worker.
I understand how you felt upon viewing the urn at the funeral. I had a similar situation some time back. After much thought and debate with myself I concluded that the fact is that the manner in which we exit doesn't matter when compared to how we lived.Our sum total is how we lived and how we lived will leave a legacy that will go on long after we are gone. You have a story and you have told it of how great this person was. I am sure that there are many more such stories. The kind of life we live will be our legacy. It doesn't matter how great or grand but the passion in which we live.